Mean

I sometimes think I am living on the wrong planet.

My skin is too thin for this one.

Ours is a culture that thrives on meanness in a wide variety of degrees.  I’m not a TV-watcher, but I know enough about “reality” television to know that it celebrates strife.  There’s lots of yelling, drama, and people treating each other very, very poorly.  Then there’s movies - the most popular ones glorify violence.  And in “real life?”  Bullies taunt and torment.  Every so often, those they’ve bullied lash out in violent response.

Yesterday’s Memorial Day holiday gave me an opportunity to consider meanness on a global scale.  So much of the history of the world is a seemingly endless succession of conflicts, brutality and losses.  We wage wars and tally the number of troops lost, often forgetting that each of those digits represents a life, an individual whose sacrifice sent ripples of hurt and pain among the people they loved.

Too often, we humans do not treat each other well.

Conflict happens.  It seems to be an unavoidable part of being human.  I do my best to be a kind, compassionate person, and the result is that, most of the time, I find myself surrounded by kind, compassionate people.  My daily experience is that most people are good.  But the unfortunate truth is this: some people are just mean.  And you can’t always escape them.

What do you do when you have to deal with mean people?  Or with good people temporarily exhibiting mean behavior?

I realized recently that I have to get better at this.  I internalize wounds, particularly those inflicted by people I love.  I agonize over how I can make someone contrary understand my perspective or care that they’ve hurt me.  But it’s like the saying, “What others think of you is none of your business.”  Or, to borrow another old saw, “You can’t please everyone.”  

Being sad about conflict does nothing to improve matters.  It serves no one - least of all myself - to lose sleep over those times I’ve been horrified by current events, or pained as the subject of gossip, or hurt to be dragged into a battle I do not wish to fight.

So, what’s a girl to do?

I found a wonderful article by a woman with the absolute awesomest job title ever: she is a Happiness Expert at UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center.  Christine Carter, Ph.D posted ‘How to Deal With Mean People' on her blog over a year ago, but some topics are truly timeless.

In her experience, “The most effective response to meanness is compassion.”  She explains that it helps to “see mean people for what they really are - wounded and tiny and probably threatened.”  She advises to take care of your own pain first, as there's a difference between being nice and being a doormat.

Then, she says, “fight fire with water by sending loving thoughts to the people who hurt you.”  She acknowledges that this is an “advanced technique,” but I think she’s correct in almost-promising that it will make you feel better.  It’s worked for me, anyway.  Which is good, because the last thing I want in life is pain and argument.

What I want in life is, to paraphrase Melvin Udall, Jack Nicholson’s character in As Good As It Gets, is “Good times.  Noodle salad.”  I want to join Dr. Carter in being a Happiness Expert.

I want the mean people to feel my love so fully, they get happy, too…or just quietly disappear from my world.

www.kcwilder50ways.com

{Dr. Carter’s full post is well worth the read.  And if you want to be truly humbled by the power of love and forgiveness, read the remarkable story of Amy Biehl, her parents, and the men who killed her.  I love you and you’re welcome.}

Gifts

Ever have one of THOSE days?

Or weeks?

Or years?

You know.  The sort where you’re already down and the world seems to see a “kick me” sign pinned to your back?

I’ve had such a pesky run of bad luck - or trouble, or trying times, or whatever you might call it - in recent months, my life could be a country song.  (Seriously.  I can actually count a pickup truck and a dog among my losses.)

But a funny thing keeps happening.

I keep accidentally finding ways to maintain perspective.  I keep enjoying the little things in spite of myself.  I keep singing along with the radio, laughing at my son’s antics, finding bliss in a trail run I nearly decided against.  Friends keep lifting me up with acts of kindness.  I keep hoping and dreaming and working my tail off, counting on rewards I’ve yet to see.  And I keep finding treasure amidst the debris.

Yesterday I had one of those magical days where all the people and messages I most needed found me.  I decided I should share a few - click away below and enjoy.

My friend Stephanie White posted this fantastic bit on her blog, tackling the topic of achievement with her usual sense of humor in 'Goals, Dreams & the Guy Who Wanted to Put His Coat On.'

Dar James seemed to speak to me personally in 'Start Small…Conquer Big.'

And the ever-amusing Brea Brown struck a very specific chord with 'Are You There, Newly-Published Writers?  It's Me, Brea.'

Last but most certainly not least, Arielle Ford lifted me up with the wise words of her late sister Debbie:

A warrior’s daily prayer is to have the strength to love all of herself, the courage to listen to what she is guided to do, and the confidence to go out, stand tall, and deliver her gifts to the world.  - Debbie Ford

Perspective is good.  Life is good.  Hope springs eternal.

Let’s go be warriors.

Let’s go deliver our gifts.

www.kcwilder50ways.com

Fangirl

As I count down to BookBuzz 2014 in NYC later this month, I’m turning the book blog over to some other authors for guest posts.  Today it’s Glynis Astie, author of the fab debut chick lit novel French Twist and its sequel, French Toast.

Girl on a Wire peeps, meet Glynis…

I can barely contain my excitement about attending BookBuzz 2014 in New York City!  The opportunity to mix and mingle with a group of very talented authors and fabulous readers is such a treat.  Though I am certainly no stranger to being a fangirl when it comes to women’s fiction, the role of author is brand-spanking new to me.  I’ve been a published author for less than a year, and I feel I haven’t a clue what I’m doing yet.

I’ve been most fortunate to have met an incredible group of chick lit authors, and it all began just three short months ago with my first Twitter friend, Finding Lucas author Samantha Stroh Bailey.  When our conversation string started, I had no idea of the many ways she would change my life. 

Samantha offered a great deal of sage advice.  She invited me to join a chick lit Facebook group where I met a number of other welcoming authors.  I was pleasantly overwhelmed by the camaraderie of the group and by how quickly I was assimilated.  Navigating the role of new author is rather daunting, and knowing that you are not alone makes a world of difference.  When I find myself overwhelmed by the blank computer screen in front of me, by the ridiculously large number of marketing options available to me, or even by the breadth of social media, I have a support group to turn to.

Within my first month of hard-core social media participation, I had “cyber” met hundreds of authors, but I was always drawn back to my chick lit Facebook groups.  Every day I found myself fascinated by the community that they had formed and by the myriad things that I learned from them. I slowly found the courage to participate in the discussions and found my confidence growing by the day.

Just the other day, I had the pleasure of meeting THE Meredith Schorr!  I kept reminding myself to be cool as I chatted with the very talented author of Just Friends With Benefits,A State of Jane and Blogger Girl.  It may surprise you to hear this, but I can be a total dork.  If you don’t believe me, please feel free to read my books.  My heroine, Sydney Bennett, is most definitely my alter ego!

And the best part? Not only have I discovered an abundance of really talented chick lit and women’s fiction authors, but also I have made some good friends.  I feel both inspired and humbled by the fabulous books that these amazing women have written.  I may be an author now, but the fangirl in me is very much alive and well.

The arrival of BookBuzz 2014 means that I get to meet many of these outstanding authors in person!  Francine LaSala, Cat Lavoie, Lydia Laceby, oh my!  And I will FINALLY meet Samantha Stroh Bailey, the woman who started it all for this rather, um, eccentric author.

Are you jealous? No need to be! Simply visit this link, RSVP and prepare to have an awesome time!  Hope to see you there!

- Glynis Astie, author of the French Twist series

BookBuzz2014 takes place Thursday, May 29 at 7 p.m. at the Galway Pub  at 7 E 36th Street in NYC.  Come enjoy a FREE signature Pink Stiletto drink, great nibblies, and autographed novels at a great price - all while you mix and mingle with more than a dozen of the hottest names in women’s fiction.  RSVP to reserve your space - and we will see you there! 

www.kcwilder50ways.com

A Girl With a Book

"I don’t get it.  What do kidnapped Nigerian girls have to do with chick lit?"

This was the comment from an acquaintance of mine when I told him I planned a blog post today dealing with the Nigerian school girls held captive by terrorists.  I had three distinct thoughts in response.

One:  This guy clearly doesn’t read my blog.  It’s not all Bridget Jones, chardonnay and stilettos.

Two:  This guy could very easily wind up with the heel of a stiletto between the eyes, as he’s apparently assumed chick lit is all I am qualified to discuss.

Three:  Girls abducted from their school, reportedly to be sold into slavery, really does have something to do with chick lit.  Everything, in fact.

Let me explain.

It’s been nearly one full month since more than 270 teenaged girls were abducted from their school in Chibok, Nigeria by the Islamic militant terror organization Boko Haram.  That’s a group whose name, roughly translated, means, “Western education is a sin.”

This situation is a clear case of backlash by small-minded people against the progress of both women and nonviolence in the world.  It is the last desperate gasp of a dying breed, an eerily pure display of the way violence is used not by the strongest among us, but by the weakest.  Boko Haram’s leader, Abubakar Shekau, has waffled tellingly in proclaiming the purpose of the abductions.  First he said Allah had instructed him to sell the girls into arranged marriages and sexual slavery.  Then he indicated he’d be willing to exchange their freedom for that of insurgents.  So much for Allah’s instructions, it seems.

For now, it’s a waiting game.  With a twist.  The only reason I am discussing this story today may be the social media hashtag #BringBackOurGirls.  While critics have derided the effort as “cheap hashtag activism,” the truth is that the world was not paying much attention to the plight of the kidnapped girls until the story began trending on Twitter and other social media sites.  A hashtag won’t bring anyone home, but global attention has spurred the Nigerian government to embarrassed action, which is a step in the right direction.  Mere hours ago, US surveillance planes began an air search of the remote areas where it’s believed the captives are being held.  Britain, France and China have sent teams to assist.

This is huge.  The world understands that the safety of female students in Nigeria has an impact on us all - and politicians, celebrities, and ordinary folks like you and me used social media to focus attention on a situation that might otherwise have remained on page three of a newspaper, soon to be forgotten.

And yes, I write chick lit - yet for better or for worse, social media gives me a voice equal to that of any political commentator.  I’ll use that voice here to argue that any writing by women and for women has value.  Chick lit is escapism, sure.  It’s a light aimed at the funny, sexy and irreverent aspects of life as a woman.  It’s a counterbalance to the harsher truths of female experience.  It’s a luxury, and we come to it the same way we come to any of the luxuries we earn in life: through education and personal empowerment.  The wingnuts in Boko Haram and other pseudo-religious terrorist groups know this.  In the words of Malala Yousafzai, “Extremists have shown what frightens them most: a girl with a book.”

Sylvia Plath.  Jennifer Weiner.  Erica Jong.  Candace Bushnell.  Eve Ensler.  Emily Giffin.  Adrienne Rich.  Anais Nin.  I wish all these authors, all their wonderful books depicting the dark and the light, into the hands of those Nigerian school girls.  I wish them the freedom to read what they choose, to dress as they please, to dance and laugh and grow.

The New York Times’ Nicholas Kristof has some excellent suggestions of ways to make a positive difference in the face of this brutal situation; click here to explore.  And if you don’t have money, give time: mentor a girl, donate books, find a way to show girls they are valued.

Find a way to demonstrate that no act of violence can halt the progress women and education bring to this world.

www.kcwilder50ways.com

BookBuzz 2014!

Today’s book blog post is a whole mess of excitement - and a little dash of shameless self-promotion.  I’m psyched to be one of the authors participating in NYC BookBuzz 2014 - that excellent kickoff party preceding Book Expo America weekend.  And this is your invitation to join me.

So it would probably help if you knew what the heck a BookBuzz is, right?

It’s inspired by a buzz all book lovers know…that wonderful, dizzying, tingly feeling when you’re experiencing a great book.

It’s a PARTY to celebrate the romance between readers and writers.

Forget stuffy signings.

Forget shuffling from table to table in a boring conference room somewhere.

BookBuzz is a CELEBRATION!  An opportunity for authors to mix and mingle with readers, to chat one-on-one about books and writing.  It’s a chance to get great signed books at bargain prices.

Founded by three author pals, Francine LaSala (The Girl, the Gold Tooth & Everything),Samantha Stroh Bailey (Finding Lucas), and Meredith Schorr (Blogger Girl), it all started out as a way for author friends from around the world to have a meet and greet together.  But the friends also wanted to reach out to readers.  To have an event where they could get to know who was reading their books, and celebrate those readers.  And thus, the BookBuzz author-reader party concept was born!

Meet readers. Party with author pals. Get deals on signed books. What could be better?

On Thursday May 29th , 2014, please join us at  The Galway Pub at 7 E 36th Street, NYC (between 5th and Madison) from 7pm to 9pm.

Enjoy a FREE Pink Stiletto signature drink,delicious snacks, and incredible bargains on signed books, all while chatting with some of the hottest names in women’s fiction.  In addition to BookBuzz founders Francine LaSala, Samantha Stroh Bailey and Meredith Schorr, scheduled authors include Holly Peterson, Cat Lavoie, Lydia Laceby, Chantel Guertin, Samantha March, Glynis Astie, Sheryn MacMunn, Lynn Marie Hulsman, Marissa Stapley, Heather Wardell, Deborah Schwartz, and ME - k.c. wilder.  Visit the BookBuzz site for more info about these bestselling authors, and spread the word to your bookish friends.

RSVP to bookbuzz2013@gmail.com to reserve your space - I hope to see you there!

www.kcwilder50ways.com

Balance

Every now and then, I am reminded that the Universe has a sense of humor.  And sometimes that sense of humor is at my expense.

You may recall from my earlier post, ‘Running Strong,’ that I am anything but a natural athlete.  In fact, I am a complete klutz.  I am constantly walking into things, and when wearing my beloved high heels, I often come dangerously close to reenacting Sandra Bullock’s memorably clumsy moves in Miss Congeniality. 

Which is why it should have been obvious to me that getting on a road bicycle and clipping myself into the pedals could be a bad idea.  I’ve been doing it in sprint triathlons for the past six years, though, relying on the safety personnel and volunteers staffing the events to keep the course clear of obstacles that could land me in a mangled heap somewhere.  When riding in preparation for triathlons (notice I didn’t say “in training;” that would imply a level of commitment I haven’t displayed), I would either stick to the safety of bike paths on my road bike, or ride my clunky mountain bike, my feet safely unattached to my vehicle.

Recently, though, I got a crazy idea.  What if I actually trained for the tris I’ve been doing as a hack all these years?  Enter Amy Rice - about whom you will definitely hear more in a future post; she is my new girl-crush.  She’s a superhuman triathlete with an Ironman Hawaii 4th place overall finish among her accomplishments.  She has abs I would kill for.  And I just happen to live in lucky proximity to her and her triathlon training business.  I decided it was time to learn how to ride my bike properly, so I treated myself to a session with Amy.

All was going smoothly until we hit an intersection where I thought a car was going to stop for us, then they kinda-sorta didn’t.  I jammed on my brakes.  Clipped into my bike.  The Oh, fuck! moment happened in slow-motion.  I went down on my left knee, bashing up other limbs in various places.  Amy was concerned for my safety.  I was concerned about how foolish I looked.  (I was also impressed that Amy didn’t laugh.  True professional, excellent poker face.  I’d have laughed at me.)

Anyway, the rest of the ride was fine.  Amy gave me instruction that made me feel instantly more comfortable than I’d ever felt on my bike.  I was excited as I headed out for another ride, solo, yesterday morning.

Then a funny thing happened.  At every intersection, I thought about that spill I’d taken.  A refrain began running through my head: don’t fall, don’t fall, don’t fall…

You can see where this is going, right?

Law of Attraction works, folks.  I’ve got another swollen, seriously scraped-up knee to prove it.  I worried about falling, and a couple of miles into my ride, I fell.  Yes, just in time for warmer weather and flirty skirts, I now have legs that are a rainbow of nasty colors, with knees reminiscent of raw hamburger.  Call me Grace.

I learned the lesson, though.  I picked myself up, took inventory of the number of people who’d witnessed my blunder (only two, thankfully), and rode on, replacing my focus on fear of falling with Amy’s instructions for a strong ride.  Some undignified screaming when I cleaned my wounds aside, I finished my workout content and…amused.

Right now, I am living my life outside my comfort zone in too many respects to count.  Literally and metaphorically, when I worry about the potential fall, I find myself on the pavement.  When I embrace reality - fearlessly - I find joy.  Maybe even balance.

I find, in fact, that I enjoy the ride.

www.kcwilder50ways.com

{More about Amy Rice in a future post - but if, in the meantime, you want more info about her work, check out her web site here.  She kicks ass.  In a really good way.}

Oh, and here’s a picture of my sexy legs.  Just in time for stilettos and my LBD at #BookBuzz2014, too.  Nice!

Mad Courage

Today’s book blog post is a shameless plug for a collection to which I’ve contributed my brand-new story, ‘Lady in Red’ (not to be confused with the song of the same title, which will make your ears bleed).  ALL proceeds from sales of this book go to the Guthy Jackson Charitable Foundation.

Here’s the scoop:

Nineteen authors from around the world were given six weeks or less to produce “a story involving a mother somehow.” The result is a gorgeously eclectic collection of tales that will make you laugh, cry, and truly appreciate the “mad courage” of motherhood.

Laura Chapman, Francine LaSala, Nikki Mahood, Heather McCoubrey, and Karen E. Martin each present unique takes on impending motherhood, while Sheryn MacMunn, kc wilder, and Julie Valerieportray the end of the journey. Samantha Stroh Bailey, Louise Wise, and Maria Schulz show the pride and peril of dealing with teenage daughters.  Elke Feuer, Diana Shafter Gliedman, and Donna Valenti demonstrate that a mother’s work is never done, even under the craziest of circumstances.  Regina-Cash Clark, Wendy Janes, and Monique McDonell explore the impact on lives in which mothers go “missing,” while Carey Heywood and Jen Tucker warm your heart and tear it out, respectively.

A Kind of Mad Courage - the perfect Mother’s Day treat! 

www.kcwilder50ways.com