"We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are."
- Anais Nin
Thursday, September 11, 2014
I had blue brie, crackers and hummus for dinner the other night. It’s okay, though - I added some grapes to round out the leftover cocktail hour fare and make a meal of it.
Or, as the French might say, wine.
As some of my loyal readers have noted, I am no longer naked (read: alcohol-free).
My Naked in 2014 post explained some of my reasons for ditching the bottle as 2013 morphed into 2014. I’ll try now to explain why I’ve picked it back up. (And yes, one of the possibilities is simply that I’m a drunk and this is what we do. But, hey - here goes…)
For starters, my Naked post wasn’t as naked as it could have been. I had reasons for quitting that went beyond a desire to sift through past drinking-related behavior; namely the sudden downward spiral of my marriage and the way I was self-medicating with alcohol. But that wasn’t stuff I was ready or able to discuss publicly just then.
If I’m entirely honest, The Ex and I got - and for seven years, stayed - together at least in part because we drank together. And let me tell you, we were awesome drinking buddies! It was the secret to our success. We were a case of opposites attracting, but after a few drinks, who cares how whomever voted in the last election? Who cares about bills or housekeeping or in-laws or any of the other baloney that comes to light in marital arguments? Have a drink! Have great sex! Have…
A midlife crisis?
As 2013 wound down, it became clear to me that I had some big, tough decisions to make. And that making them while intoxicated would be a bad idea.
I sobered up and assembled a widely-varied team of professionals to help me sort out how my past had led to my present - and how it might yet impact my future. There was stuff I needed to work on, so I did.
I still do.
Probably always will.
See, I get it. None of us is ever “finished” with this life stuff. It’s forever a work in progress. I could very well be a delusional alcoholic who’s gone back to happy hours and champagne brunches because, well, I’m a delusional alcoholic.
I could be someone whose circumstances led to occasionally unhealthy use of booze to avoid reality.
I could also just be an ordinary person who sometimes behaves well, sometimes doesn’t.
Here’s the thing: I like cocktail hour. I like hanging out with friends and feeling that buzz and being silly. I like beer on the beach. I like wine downtown. I like drinks on a train or in the rain, on a boat or with a goat, or with just about anything but green eggs and ham. I like sometimes being a consumer of Chardonnay in unladylike quantities…and sometimes being the girl who sips tea while working on a manuscript.
What I don’t like is drinking to avoid talking or feeling or being real with the people in my life. And I think I’ve put the brakes on that. Full stop. I am focusing on the honest, genuine, good stuff from here on out.
Naked or otherwise, I just want to be happy.
And, yes - have cheese and crackers and (fermented) grapes for dinner now and again.